Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Please excuse the negative post...

Today I have no motivation to write but I need to because there is so much on my mind. There have been a lot of changes going on in my life that seemingly I have no control over. Only thing I know I have control over is my every increasing weight and lately I have had no motivation to even deal with that.

My living situation has drastically changed since the ending of my last blog site. Hell, the world has drastically changed since I have been in blog space. During this time the economy wasn't great but I felt financial stable and lived on my own without hesitation. I did my job and I was rewarded greatly.
Back then I thought wasn't doing enough to better myself but set goals to counteract those thoughts. Losing weight seemed priority number one and at one time I was working out 5-6 days a week. One of my favorite goals was to spend more time with my family, especially my niece and nephews, who in part put all my dramatic antics into perspective. My inquisitive niece used to keep me on my toes. Every time she would ask me one of her complex questions, I'd be taken back by them. My nephews are my joy. Being raised around a few boys/men, I love to watch them grow and hear their perspectives on life. They all intrigue me and even had me thinking I wouldn't mind having a little one. (Of course I would snap back into reality and remember that little ones cost money.)

I was also enjoying the joys and pains of living single. I was also lingering on a "relationship" with Dada Brown Eyes. I wrote about him a lot and soon he found out about it and started to comment "anonymously" on the posts about him. Then one day I FINALLY took Jer's advice and washed him out of my hair. This oddly enough resulted into a relationship I was not expecting.

Now with the economy as it is, I do not feel secure as I used to. Job security, even within the various branches of government is sketchy (i.e. - California Government workers furlough) and rattles my nerves at times. My spending habits have curb tailed drastically. I am sharing a place with a relative of mine in hopes of helping me save money. (Boy was I wrong. To be continued on another blog.) I am not saving as much as I used to. When I do save money it seems another bill pops up and I dig into my savings to pay it. It seems like I am losing money on things I do not utilize as much. I bought into a vacation package that I hoped to use this year but due to financial woes, I worry I will not be able to. The gym membership is one the most wasteful right now. I even bought some lessons with a personal trainer there to keep me motivated. Unfortunately it did not.

I also have a boyfriend now, which I seem to grow fonder of each day. I never thought I'd find someone who'd make me laugh and feel as good as Dada. His energy is different from Dada's and other men in my past. It took me a while to get use to his energy but it soothes me as apposed to causing a roller coaster ride of emotions that men in my past brought out of me. He also is seems to understand my influx of emotions lately (and hasn't run away from them yet.) He is practically living with me and thankfully he helps alleviate some of my emotional and financial burdens that I seem to have taken on.

My family has endured a lot of changes; some good, some bad, some just frustrating, some well overdue. My nieces (there have been additions to the family) and nephews seem to be growing faster than I can see them. My inquisitive niece has found her a little playmate and doesn't have much time to ask me the profound questions she used to, (which I am some what happy about because I don't know how many more of those questions I could take.) I see my nephews more. Yet they seem to be more interested in my boyfriend who has become their biggest playmate and video game adversary. Though at times I do miss the one on one time with them they are truly in their element when he plays with them and I cannot ask for more than that.

Due to several reasons, some of my own doing, the pursuit of some goals have come to a halt. My weight has increased significantly. I had to decrease my freelancing gigs because I lack focus and seem to stress more than usual. My quest to find a good church home has stopped. I will be moving soon to a bigger place with my boyfriend and my relative. At times I feel like my life is in disarray and feel as if this is a permanent feeling. For right now all I can do is pray for guidance...

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